This was obviously one of those strange
unexpected spots the TARDIS brought them to from time to time. Even The
Doctor was not entirely sure where they were. But the atmosphere was breathable
and there were no obvious hazards, so there was no reason not to look.
They stepped out of the TARDIS and looked around. Rose’s first thought
was that it looked like the neatest airport terminal in the universe.
It was so very CLEAN and white and sterile.
Her second thought wiped all others from her mind.
“Daddy.…” she cried and ran to the man who stood waiting.
He smiled and embraced her.
“What?” the Doctor exclaimed, and then his face paled in shock.
“Julia….”
“Chrístõ, my love.” The woman he had loved as
a young man, his wife, the mother of his son, his own Julia, reached out
and took him by his two hands as he battled with the impossibility of
the situation. “Don’t ask why or how,” she told him.
“Just hold me.”
He did, and it felt wonderful. She looked as she did when they were first
married, a beautiful twenty-three year old Human woman with long dark
hair and eyes of the deepest brown, almost black, against a clear porcelain
skin. He had fallen in love with that face more than seven hundred years
ago. She had died in his arms six and a half centuries ago.
And yet this WAS her. She felt right, she smelt right – he remembered
the perfume she always wore, a delicate rose-based scent that triggered
remembrances of the rose gardens where they had courted.
“My Julia,” he murmured. “My own Julia. Oh, I’ve
missed you.” He didn’t know how or why, but she was in his
arms and that was enough for him.
“Lets go to our special place,” she said and his hearts sobbed
with joy at the idea.
Jack stared at his two travelling companions and tried to make sense of
it all. He heard their side of the conversations, and he understood that
some deep emotional turmoil was involved. But they were talking to, interacting
with, empty air.
And then he was alone.
She had often imagined it as a little girl - walking along the promenade
at Brighton, hand in hand with her daddy, the sea breeze in her face,
just like all the other children with their daddies. She looked at him
and he smiled and squeezed her hand and asked her where she would like
to go.
“Turbo coaster,” she said, pointing to the roller coaster
at the end of the pier. Now she was big enough to go on it, and her daddy
was with her. They could enjoy it together.
“Turbo coaster it is, then.”
The Doctor walked with Julia under the bright copper moon of Gallifrey,
by the great waterfall that descended the sheer east side of Mount Lœng.
There was a narrow path that the daring and deeply in love might traverse,
bringing them under the waterfall, to a cave shielded from view by the
curtain of water. They climbed together, hand in hand where the path was
wide enough. He lifted her over rivulets and small crevices, all of which
she protested she could manage perfectly well on her own, but after all,
wasn’t it his job to look after her.
Jack looked at the life signs indicator on his wrist. Usually he could
locate either of his friends easily but something about this place was
interfering with it. The screen was just a jumble of white noise.
Inside the cave behind the falls the air was cool and sweet and they had
made it their own when they were first married, a place where they could
escape the complex formalities of Gallifreyan life. They had spent many
sweet nights there, man and wife, loving each other with every fibre of
their beings. He was fairly sure his son was conceived in one of those
sweet nights in this cave. It was, very much, their special place, from
the time when they were most happy.
Rose climbed into the coaster and her daddy sat beside her, putting his
arms protectively around her. Even though the man came and fastened the
seat belt it was his arm that made her feel safe as the coaster began
to slowly move up and up and up….
Jack went back to the TARDIS. He knew he could not fly it. The TARDIS
was symbiotically connected to The Doctor. Nobody else could take it anywhere
unless he set it to a pre-formatted co-ordinate for them. But he could
operate its data banks and scanners and find out what was happening.
But the scanners were giving him very strange readings.
The coaster had been fun. They had gone on it four times before her daddy
had said he couldn’t take any more. But he had taken her on the
old fashioned carousel instead, riding side by side on the beautifully
painted fairground horses. Now they were walking along again. She held
his hand, half afraid to let go. She was sure something terrible would
happen if she did.
According to the scanners there were thousands of people all around the
TARDIS, but The Doctor’s unique DNA stuck out a mile away. So did
Rose, the only pure Earth-born Human in the room. They were both easily
identifiable. They were both within a few yards of the TARDIS. He went
outside again.
The great cavernous room was empty and silent.
He went back to the console. It told him he was in the midst of a bustling
crowd.
He went back outside.
The Doctor stirred in his sleep and pressed himself closer to the warm,
soft body beside him. It felt so right. The last few hours had been so
wonderful. They had picnicked together behind the waterfall, eating all
their favourite foods, drinking wine, letting it affect him just enough
to make his brain feel relaxed and untroubled. He had listened in that
mellow mood to her soft voice telling him of something he could not remember,
but which had made him laugh. He had reached out to her and kissed her
as he remembered kissing her so many times before, and finally they had
gone hand in hand to the bed of furs and rugs at the back of the cave….
It had been beautiful. As beautiful as it used to be. It all felt right.
But it wasn’t. His eyes opened wide and he looked at the face of
his beautiful young wife as his hearts fought against his head. He wanted
it to be real. He wanted her to be there with him, still young, still
beautiful, still a part of his life. But he remembered her dying. He remembered
the last kiss they shared, when she was no longer a young, beautiful girl,
but an elderly, white haired woman, her face lined, her bones brittle
with age, her eyes the only unchanged part of her. He remembered her eyes
looking at him, blessing him for staying by her, for never wavering in
his love for her. He had known the moment was coming. He made her last
moment a sweet one, enfolded in his arms, his kiss upon her lips. As he
kissed her he felt her soul slip away. He laid her down on the bed again
and said goodbye. He had said it again as he buried her, their son by
his side. And then the two of them had done their best to live their lives
without her.
This was definitely the best fun she had had in ages, Rose thought. They
had gone for fish and chips for dinner, and then down on the beach, just
walking along, with their shoes off, paddling in the water’s edge.
Her daddy looked funny with his trousers rolled up. He laughed when she
kicked up the spray, wetting them both. It didn’t matter. It was
a warm day and they would dry quickly enough. Meanwhile – ice cream
- she saw the van on the promenade and he looked in his pocket for change.
Off you go, Rose, my sweetheart, he said. Enjoy yourself.
He sat up as he focussed on the truth. Julia was dead. Long dead. He was
not Chrístõ de Lœngbærrow aged two hundred years old
with his life before him. He was The Doctor, he was nearly a thousand
years old and had seen and done much since those beautiful days when he
had lain with Julia in the cave behind Mount Lœng Falls.
The woman by his side stirred and opened her eyes. She looked up at him
and smiled. “Aren’t you sleepy, Chrístõ?”
she asked.
“No, I’m not.” He reached out and touched her face gently.
“You look real. You feel real. I WISH you WERE real. But you’re
not. I know you’re not. My Julia is dead. I buried her centuries
ago on Gallifrey. GALLIFREY is dead. Even her grave is gone. She lives
only in my memory. So… who are you?”
“Chrístõ.…” The voice sounded hurt and
it was Julia’s voice. It pained him to hear her speak that way.
The only time he had been knowingly responsible for hurting her was when
she was giving birth to his child. She had willingly accepted that hurt
for his sake.
But this wasn’t Julia. Julia was dead.
“Stop it,” he said. “You’re not my wife. She is
DEAD. The dead STAY dead. There is no going back. This place doesn’t
even exist. This is an illusion and I won’t live in an illusion.
Take it away. NOW.”
The cave shimmered around him. Julia – the image of Julia –
shimmered. He reached out and touched her. For a moment she felt solid
and real, and then he felt her fade beneath his touch and he almost regretted
rejecting the illusion. The next moment he was kneeling on a hard, smooth
floor alone.
“Doctor!” Jack was suddenly beside him, reaching out his arm
to steady him as he stood up from the floor. “Good God, are you
all right?”
Jack stared at him. He had never seen The Doctor look as physically ill
as he did at that moment. He was pale, his flesh clammy with a cold sweat,
his eyes bloodshot and weary. And he was crying. Jack held onto him, sure
he would fall over if he let him go.
The Doctor gave a long, slow sigh and rubbed his eyes and then, a moment
later, he stood back and looked at Jack. The colour and texture returned
to his face, his eyes were as bright as ever and there was no sign of
his strange weakened state before.
“How long have I been gone?” he asked.
“About ten minutes. Ten scary minutes, I can tell you.”
“You weren’t affected?”
“Affected by what?” Jack asked.
“I was in an illusion that seemed to last much longer than ten minutes.
I was with Julia when she was young and we were happy. It took me in for
a while. I wanted it to be real. But then I realised it couldn’t
be.” He looked around. “Rose?”
“She’s still missing. Before she vanished… she said.…”
“Daddy.” The Doctor nodded. “She’s with her father.
Well, she’s safe I suppose. He wouldn’t hurt her. But….”
He went into the TARDIS and Jack showed him the panel which indicated
so many life-signs in the silent, empty hall. He could see Rose’s
easily enough. He knew her DNA profile as well as his own. But she was
invisible or out of phase with them in some way. He turned to Jack. “Why
didn’t it affect you?”
“If the illusions are to do with people close to us.…”
Jack reasoned it out slowly but surely. “Then they’re onto
a loser with me. I’ve never lost anyone close to me. I’ve
never BEEN close to anyone. I’m an orphan with no family. I’ve
never really loved anyone. There’s nobody in my head they could
fix on. You miss Julia. Rose has always longed to spend time with her
dad. But I have no longings like that.”
“Yes. That makes sense.” The Doctor walked out into the hall
again.
“But it’s WRONG. It’s all wrong. Just because I think
of Julia doesn’t mean I am pining for her. She was a beautiful part
of my life, but I accepted long ago that she is part of my PAST. Rose
is my present and my future. And Julia… if she could see us…
she would accept that and be happy for me.”
“And what about Rose?” Jack asked.
“I thought I replaced her daddy in her heart long ago,” The
Doctor mused. “At first - when she first came with me - I think
that’s how she thought of me - as a replacement for her dad. I looked
about the right age and I looked after her the way she wanted her dad
to look after her. It wasn’t until after we actually MET her dad
that she resolved those issues and let herself see me as… as a man
she could offer a woman’s love to. But either way, NEITHER of us
are THAT close to the ones we have lost. Whatever it is that happens here
- it should not have happened to us.”
“What are you doing?” a voice demanded. The Doctor turned
as a tall, slender Humanoid with smooth, silver-grey hairless skin approached
them. He was clothed in a silver robe and his expression was calm even
though the tone of the question had been accusatory.
“I am The Doctor and I am looking for a friend who has disappeared
here.”
“Your friend is perfectly well. She has become one with the Hall
of Lost Souls.”
“She?” The Doctor challenged. “How did you know it was
a ‘she’ we were looking for? We are being monitored?”
“Of course. We are the caretakers. We take care of all the lost
souls. Your companion is happy. You should be happy for her. You have
relieved her burden.”
“She didn’t have a burden,” The Doctor responded angrily.
“And if she had, I would not have brought her here to relieve it.
She knows I can give her anything she needs. Get her out of… of
whatever it is you have her in.”
“But that’s impossible, the Caretaker said. “Nobody
leaves when they have perfect contentment here.”
“I DID!” The Doctor snapped.
“That’s impossible!”
“I LEFT the illusion you created. Oh, it was perfect. It was beautiful.
I COULD have stayed there forever. But I didn’t. It was TOO perfect.
And call me a cynical old man, but when you’ve lived as long as
I have you get suspicious of perfect. So thanks, but no thanks. I’ll
stick with the less than perfect reality. But I want Rose with me in it.
GET HER BACK.”
“I’m sorry,” the Caretaker said. “But nobody leaves
unless they choose to. And nobody.…” He saw The Doctor’s
stony glare and flinched. “…Almost nobody… chooses to
leave.”
“GET HER BACK!”
“I cannot,” the Caretaker repeated. “It would be better
if you left.”
“I’m not going anywhere without Rose,” The Doctor insisted.
“I’m going to get her back. All I want to know from you is
- are you going to get in my way of finding her?”
“There is no purpose in your quest.” The Caretaker turned
on his heels to leave. The Doctor turned and went back into the TARDIS.
He looked at the screen and touched the life-sign he knew was his Rose,
as if hoping to make a connection to her that way.
“I know you’re in no danger, Rose,” he whispered. “I’m
sure you’re having a beautiful time. But this isn’t right.
And I’m coming for you.”
“What are we dealing with here?” Jack asked. “Ghosts?”
“No.” The Doctor remembered the way it had been. It had been
a very good illusion but not a ghost. Julia was not a ghost. He knew ghosts
existed. They were the fragments of souls that had reason to hang onto
a semblance of life, to try to fulfil some objective or to demand justice
for a life cut short. But Julia had no reason to do that. She had died
peacefully at the end of a happy life and her soul had been at rest for
a long, long time. If it hadn’t, he would have known long before
now and he would have made sure she found the peace he would wish for
her.
“No. The lost souls are not the dead. They’re the living people
who have come here looking for a past they can’t let go of. They’ve
let go of reality and given themselves up to the fantasy – the recreation
of when their loved ones were alive, when things were sweet and good.
They all know it’s not real. If they told themselves it isn’t
they would wake up and know the truth. But they don’t want to let
go. I can understand that. It was hard even for me. It felt so real. And
it felt so good to be with her again, to feel the love we shared…
to make love to my wife in our special place - it was beautiful. I could
have stayed and relived it again and again and never tired of it and never
wanted to leave. But it was a lie. I couldn’t live a lie.”
“What if Rose does?” Jack asked.
“She doesn’t,” The Doctor insisted. “I know she
doesn’t. Even if she does – we can’t let her. It’s
not right. This place… it’s insane. People can’t just
give up and live in fantasy. They have to face up to their lives –
no matter who or what they have lost.”
“Could you, if you lost Rose?” Jack asked him.
“Yes. I would have to. It would hurt. But our hurts make us what
we are as much as our joys. We have to accept them. But I won’t
accept that I’m going to lose Rose in this place.”
“Then let’s find her.”
“I am finding her.” The Doctor said. “But I need you.
Come here and watch this panel.” Jack did as he asked. He was a
little surprised when he felt him touch his forehead. “I’m
trying to make a psychic connection with you, Jack. I want you to keep
looking at the screen, and I will be able to see what you’re seeing
– and know when I’m near her. Are you ok with that?”
“I trust you.” Jack felt The Doctor slip inside his mind.
It felt like a streak of silver touching the inside of his head - sharp
and unusual but not unpleasant.
The Doctor closed his eyes and tried to look through Jack’s eyes
instead. He saw the screen clearly. When he opened his eyes again he could
still see it, superimposed on his normal vision like a heads-up computer
display. He touched Jack on the shoulder and thanked him, in words. He
could have done it telepathically, but he did not want to risk disrupting
the visual connection.
The idea worked perfectly. He could see the lifesigns monitor as he walked
and he was able to home in on where exactly in the great hall Rose was.
When he judged that he was standing right next to her, he took a deep
breath and folded time, stepping into a different phase. He was unsurprised
to find, in his slowed and shifted time, the room was full to bursting
with people. It was as he had guessed. They were not invisible. They were
simply out of phase with “real time”.
The people stood quietly, not talking, not moving very much. But so close
together there was barely room to move through them. Rose was almost lost
in the press of bodies.
He took her hand.
He looked around and found himself standing on Brighton promenade.
Rose looked at him in surprise.
“Doctor?” she said quietly. “Why are you here?”
She looked around at her father.
“It’s a nice dream,” he told her. “But it’s
only a dream. Time to wake up, my Rose.”
Rose looked back at The Doctor, then to her father again. She had known
it was a dream all along. She knew her father had died when she was a
few months old and had never taken her to Brighton or anywhere. But she
had wished for it so often, imagined it so vividly, that when it was able
to come true she was perfectly willing to suspend her disbelief and enjoy
the day out with her daddy to the full.
“But…” She looked down at the Doctor’s hand, firmly
holding hers. The Doctor loved her as much as she thought her father would
have done, and he was real. He was there for her every day. He was the
most special man she had ever known, or hoped to know. And as nice as
this day had been, she wanted to be with The Doctor.
“Kiss your daddy goodbye,” he told her, and she was grateful
to him for that understanding. She turned and put her arms around her
father’s neck and kissed him on the cheek.
“It was a lovely day,” she told him. “Thank you, my
daddy.” Then she went to The Doctor. He enfolded her in his arms
and kissed her on the forehead.
Brighton dissolved around them, but she hardly noticed. She was in The
Doctor’s arms and that was the place she most wanted to be in the
whole world.
“He seemed so real,” she said when they were back in the empty
hall.
“I know,” The Doctor whispered consolingly. “That’s
because, as far as your feelings are concerned, it WAS real. Don’t
feel cheated by it. You had a pleasant day out with your father. Store
it in your memory as one of the precious times, and don’t regret
it for one moment. I know I won’t regret the remembrance of things
past that this place gave me. I just refuse to stay in it forever and
forget to live.”
“It affected you?” Rose asked. “Where…who….”
She shook her head. “No, I guess I shouldn’t ask.”
He brought her by the hand into the TARDIS. He touched Jack on the shoulder
and told him it was ok to stop monitoring now, at the same time breaking
the telepathic connection with him. Rose looked at the screen in astonishment.
“So many people,” she said. “Can’t we get them
out, too?”
“No,” The Doctor sighed, shaking his head sadly. “I
don’t think we can. I broke the spell myself by realising that I
wanted to be in the present with you and Jack more than I wanted to be
in the past with Julia, no matter how nice it was. When offered the choice,
you also chose to be with me. But these people have all decided for themselves
that a fantasy is better than their real lives. And there is nothing I
can say for them to change their minds. Just one thing bothers me….”
He stepped out into the room again and put his fingers to his lips. He
gave a piercing whistle. A moment later the Caretaker emerged complaining
about the unseemly noise.
“One question,” he said. “Is everyone here because they
chose to be, or because they were accidentally sucked into it like we
were?”
“You came to this room uninvited,” the Caretaker said. “Your
– machine – did not pass through our protocols. Lost Souls
come in through our main foyer and give their written pledge that they
are here by their free will.”
“Well, there we are then,” The Doctor said. He turned to Rose
and Jack. “I can’t interfere with free will. I believe there
are thousands of people here who really would be better off facing up
to their lives. But it’s not for me to tell them. I can do nothing.
Come on, we’re done here.” He put his arms around both his
companions and led them back to the TARDIS. The door closed and a moment
later it dematerialised, leaving the Hall of Lost Souls and all its endless
dreams.
|